People Pleasing is Self-Care?
Sounds ridiculous, right?
People pleasing—the exhausting cycle of saying “yes” when you mean “no,” keeping the peace at your own expense—how could that possibly be self-care? Isn’t self-care about setting boundaries, honoring your needs, and making yourself a priority?
Yes, and—here’s the twist:
At its core, people-pleasing is your subconscious mind’s way of protecting you.
It’s a form of control.
- “If I keep them happy, I’ll be safe.”
- “ I’ll be accepted if I meet their needs.”
- “If I avoid conflict, I’ll be okay.”
However, these patterns don’t come from nowhere. They are survival strategies, often formed in childhood or past relationships, where pleasing others is the best way to maintain stability and security. Therefore, if you grew up in an environment where love and acceptance were conditional—on your behavior, your achievements, or your ability to keep others comfortable—then people-pleasing became your way of ensuring you remained safe, included, and loved.
The Nervous System’s Role in People Pleasing
Your nervous system is working overtime to protect you from perceived threats—rejection, abandonment, or conflict.
And here’s the kicker: your subconscious mind doesn’t distinguish between a real threat and a perceived one. It simply reacts based on past experiences. If, at some point, pleasing others meant avoiding punishment, criticism, or loss, then your body internalized that as a protective mechanism.
Twisted? Maybe.
But also deeply human.
When we view people pleasing in this way, it changes the conversation. It’s not just about being “too nice” or having “weak boundaries.” It’s a coping mechanism—one that was, at some point, a necessary form of self-preservation. Hence, the notion that people-pleasing is a form of self-care. Albeit, fear-driven.
The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing
The problem isn’t that people pleasing once kept you safe. The problem is that it’s still running the show—even when it no longer serves you.
Over time, this pattern drains you. You lose sight of your own needs. You feel resentful, exhausted, and unseen. And yet, breaking the cycle feels terrifying because it threatens the very safety your nervous system has been trying to maintain.
That’s why setting boundaries can feel so uncomfortable—it’s not just a matter of saying “no,” it’s about rewiring your brain to understand that safety doesn’t have to come at the cost of your well-being.
The Shift: From Fear-Driven to Self-Led Care
When you see people pleasing as a form of self-preservation, you stop blaming yourself for “being weak” or “caring too much.” Instead, you start getting curious about what you’re really seeking.
- Are you looking for safety?
- A sense of belonging?
- Peace and harmony in your relationships?
But, the key isn’t to abandon these desires—it’s to find ways to meet them without abandoning yourself.
Because true self-care isn’t about making sure everyone else is okay so you can feel safe.
It’s about learning to create safety from within—so you can stop outsourcing your peace to others.
So, is people pleasing self-care?
In a way, yes.
But it’s self-care driven by fear, not self-love. And the real work is shifting from fear-based self-care to self-led care—where your needs, boundaries, and well-being are at the center of the equation.
Reflection Question: Have you ever thought of people pleasing in this way? Where in your life do you see this pattern playing out?
Leanne is the author of the coaching guide “Fear Unravelled: Transform Your Thinking and Manifest the Abundant Life You Deserve” and the creator of the “Success Reset System including the Authentic Success Blueprint.” To learn more about Leanne and how she can help you align and flourish visit her website leannegiavedoni.com.